I'm back, betches.
I apologize for the sudden rush off by what the journal stated, but I had to get off for my mom to calm down. However, I didn't spend this time just sitting there and not doing anything. This time, I attempted to finally get some information about why my mom treated me like so and held back on nothing, and... I found out alot of good information.
We spoke for a good... Pft, 3 HOURS yesterday, and I was able to speak about alot of things because of her blood sugar being balanced (She recently been diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago). The reports from her doctor said that she had been sick for years with it and never knew, which could have been when she began to become "Different" with me while I was little. Because she was unable to remember any of it from her brain overreacting to things during that time, I told her... Everything. The depression, the things she said and did, and pretty much just laid it all out on the table for her.
During this time, I began to piece my own thoughts together, and I believe I finally have the answer. My mom has had diabetes for years, but has recently figured out she did only a couple of months ago. The way she reacted while not knowing and the way she does now after the blood sugar is leveled is much different. Being able to see she was comprehending what I was saying also and not ignoring me, I am even more correct about my conclusion to this. It wasn't my mom trying to be rude to me for anything during my past. It was her brain unable to comprehend what was happening as her blood sugar continually rose and lowered without any of us knowing.
Now being grown up, I'm more mature to understand all of this, while when I was little and a kid as she did this, I instantly took it that she was being irrational with me, and because I have to vent things out, I would tell my friends, who also thought the same way I did. However, I was never mad or hated my mom. I was only sad and confused, wondering why she was acting that way. I have my answer now, and so many things are starting to make more sense. My real mom isn't like that. My real mom was the person I spoke to yesterday, that laughed with me and had a huge conversation with, and listened to everything I said. (INCLUDING me being gay, which she is happy for~ )
I still have alot to learn myself about the conditions and the mood swings that come with her being off balance, but after last night I feel much more informed to have a better idea on what to do during situations instead of taking it all on myself that that was her real reaction.I love my mom dearly, and I couldn't ever have any reason to hate her, even if she wasn't off-balance and treated me poorly. Now, I'm happy to know that my mom is still there, and she will be always. I just have to make sure shes balanced first before I try to talk to her XP
SO, at this time, I would like to state this out for everyone that has helped me through the good few years that I have been on, supporting me throughout this huge roller coaster of emotions and confusion, but, there is no more necessary hate that should be inflicted upon anyone, especially my mom now with the information that I know. We were as confused as she was, and with the answer now, I know that there isn't anything else to fear but the future. Thank you all.
With all of this being said, a few things now that I have figured out as a conclusion to this new thought-
---1. My mom actually ISN'T evil, she is very understanding, kind, and sweet, just like I remember her. We're beginning to get along VERY well now that the medicine and balancing for her diabetes are taking place, and I am happy to still have her. No, I don't hate her, never did XP
---2. I have ways now to finally communicate with her REAL personality instead of her fake rude one, and the pieces from past things are starting to make more sense and become more clear to me.
---3. Things that I do actually aren't bad, and she HONESTLY understands that, meaning...
---4. I CAN COME BACK ON THE LAPTOP WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF THINGS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE *HAPPY DANCE* THIS INCLUDES VOICE CHATS, EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HERE! OOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! >PPPPPPPPP
---5. I might actually start to get help for college! The way she was talking to me during this time was during a time we had no clue, so I am placing it under the good possibility that it was from her diabetes, not now.
*WHEW* That was alot.. Haven't typed this much in a while. Thank you all for reading, and giving me support through this confusing time we all shared together, but I will say these words on account of ALL of us, including my parents who are now supporting me more.
The battle. Is Won.